


This little world

by SweetSirius



Series: Reaching out, reining in [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Missing Scene, Post-episode "Gone Baby Gone"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-08-23 04:08:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16611653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetSirius/pseuds/SweetSirius
Summary: What I'm imagining happened the evening Rafael showed up to "talk to my friend about whatever she wants to talk about".





	This little world

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Intimate](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/432386) by In Hiding. 



People had turned up at her place that night without invitation or organisation, just wanting to be there for her. Not least of whom was Rafael, who despite his own admissions of helplessness had been there to steady her throughout the whole ordeal. And there he was again that evening, to be there in whatever way she needed. She’d watched him join in with the others, touched by how all of them seemed invested in Noah’s safety, relieved and happy to have him back where he belonged.

An hour or two later it had been necessary to call it an evening – Amanda needed to get Jessie home, and Noah had had a big day, after all. She’d just seen Fin and Carisi out the door when Rafael came back from the bathroom. He took in the empty room.

“Something I said?”

She smiled and sighed, already letting go of some of the brave face she had been projecting. “They had to get home. It’s getting late, and _someone_ ,” she smiled again as Noah re-entered the room, “is up way past his bedtime.” She scooped him up and kissed him. “Did you brush your teeth?”

“Uh huh, I used the whole two minutes.”

“Good job!”

Rafael smiled, watching the two of them, noting silently how tightly she was holding him, and how she tried to hide it. He also noted her face.

“Well,” she told Noah, “it’s time to get you to bed.” She let him down on the ground. “Go grab a book, ok, and say bye to Uncle Rafa.”

The boy turned to Rafael, eyes lighting up. “Did you want to stay and read a story?” he said, not quite ready to let go of a captive audience. Rafael found himself smiling back, a little enchanted by this small, bright, eager human.

“Noah,” Olivia began to admonish.

“I’ll get a book!” said Noah, running out of the room.

“You can make a break for it if you want,” said Olivia, smirking and running a hand through her hair.

But he’s looking at her. “No, it’s ok. Liv … have you had any time to yourself yet?”

She’s a little taken aback. “What do you mean?”

“I mean you’ve been through a lot. Have you been able to stop at all?”

She shakes her head. “All I care about is making sure that Noah is ok.”

“I get it,” he agrees softly. “But … why don’t I read to Noah while you take a shower or something.”

“Thanks, but I’m fine.”

He’s not letting her get away with that. “Liv …”

She tries to keep it light. “Are you saying I smell?”

He smiles slightly. “I’m saying the last few days have been incredibly tough, and I think you could use a moment by yourself to … process everything that’s happened.” She meets his eye, knows that he gets her plan – don’t stop moving and it won’t catch up with you. She’s wavering. He fixes her gaze and says, “Let me do this for you.”

He’s phrased it so that she can pretend she’s doing him a favour, and while they both know the truth she’s grateful for the excuse. So utterly grateful. “Okay,” she says. “If you could put him in my bed, uh, just in case he –”

He waves away her explanation. “Of course.” And he goes to get Noah.

Later, standing under the spray of a hot shower, she finally lets her muscles release in the warmth, and bit by bit gives into the terror and relief that she has been keeping at bay. She sobs as quietly as she can.

 

When she emerges she hears soft singing from the bedroom. She tiptoes up to the door and sees her son tucked under the covers, asleep, Rafael stretched out on the bed beside him, singing a lullaby. That, and the tender look on his usually contained face, touch her so much that if she hadn’t spent the last twenty minutes crying she might have started again.

His eyes lift up to her, and though he carries on singing after only a small hesitation, he looks a little sheepish. She walks over and sits on the bed next to Noah, stroking her son’s hair. In the quiet, Noah sleeps, Rafael sings. When the song is over they both watch her son for a moment, waiting to see if he’s really asleep. After a beat she looks up at Rafael, smiles. “Thank you,” she whispers.

“My pleasure,” he murmurs back. “How are you feeling?”

She nods and lets out a deep breath. “Better.” It’s not a lie – she’s exhausted, and there’s still a lot going on inside her, but she does feel as though a particular weight has been lifted.

He sees it, glad he has helped. “I should let you get to sleep,” he says, starting to get up.

“Actually,” she stops him, tentative, but more receptive now that she feels calmer, “would you mind staying a bit longer? Just … talk for a while?”

He looks surprised, but nods, and she recalls his earlier desperation to be of use. So she lies down next to Noah, gently placing a hand on his chest so as to feel the rise and fall of his breathing. Rafael lies down on the other side, shifts for a bit to get comfortable, then turns to face her.

“What do you want to talk about?”

“Anything but the last few days,” she says with a sigh.

“Okay.” He pauses for a moment, then says, “I had dinner with my mother last weekend.”

She remembers his mother, smiles. “How was that?”

He gives her a lopsided grin. “Inquisitorial,” he says, and she laughs softly. “She asked about you.”

“Me?”

He nods. “She liked you. Wanted to know if you were keeping me in line.”

She smiles. “Well I hope you told her that arrangement’s a two-way street.”

He grins again.

“How’s your mother doing after … everything?”

He thinks. “Keeping busy. She’s only just finished going through the last of abuelita’s things.” He’s quiet for a moment.

“You know she doesn’t blame you,” says Olivia softly.

“Yeah …” he sighs, meeting her eyes a little sadly. “She does.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

He nods, then meets her eye with a knowing look. “Appreciating the logic of a situation is one thing. Believing it …”

“Is another matter,” she finishes, returning his look, acknowledging that there is some advice that’s easier to give than to take. She looks down at Noah’s sleeping face, can’t help smiling. Rafael does the same.

“He told me he wants to build robots when he grows up,” he says.

She smiles. “And just last week he was going to deliver pizzas.”

“I think that’s mostly what the robots are going to be for. Like a robot pizza army.” She laughs, and he’s glad. After a beat, he murmurs, “He’s a great kid, Liv. You’re doing an amazing job.”

He’s said exactly what she needed to hear, and her shoulders sag with the relief of hearing it. Since she had opened the door to find Sheila on the other side of it, that’s been all she has been worrying about – whether Noah is all right, whether she is doing the right thing, whether she is a good enough mother …

“I almost lost him, Rafa,” she whispers, barely getting the words out.

He looks pained to see tears in her eyes. “But you didn’t. You got him back. You did exactly what you had to do.”

“So much could have gone wrong. If I hadn't-”

“Hey, Liv,” he waits until she looks at him. “He’s safe now. You both are.”

She lets out a deep breath, closes her eyes. “Just keep telling me that, will you?”

He smiles softly. “Anytime.”

She smiles, but her eyes are getting heavy. The hot shower has done its work, and the exhaustion is beginning to overtake her. He notices.

“Want me to go?”

“No,” she says, without thinking. “Just … would you mind staying until I fall asleep?”

He blinks, but says, “Of course not.”

“I know it seems silly, but …”

“Not silly. You relax, Liv. I’ve got him.”

She lets out another deep sigh, lets her eyes shut, and shifts so that she’s lying comfortably next to Noah. Rafael props himself up on his elbow, looking down at them both. She murmurs, “Would you do me a favour?”

“Mmm?”

She opens her eyes and smiles at him. “Sing me that lullaby you were singing before?”

He narrows his eyes at her, but can’t help grinning. “I knew you’d use that against me.”

She laughs softly, and her eyes slip shut again. “Please?”

He looks at her, smiling, shaking his head slightly, knowing that she could ask just about anything of him right now and he’d do it. And he starts to sing softly, watching the both of them as her breathing matches her son’s.

 

Olivia jerks awake. It only takes a moment to realise that it’s morning, that she’s in her own room, that Noah’s lying there next to her, perfectly safe, but her heart is already racing. Calming down, she places her hand gently on her son’s chest, reassuring herself.

Then she notices Rafael.

He’s still here, fast asleep on the other side of Noah, hair tousled, clothes creased, completely relaxed. She spends a moment taking him in – she’s rarely seen him this peaceful, even outside of work, and there’s something in it that makes her smile. As she watches she feels a rush of gratitude: she’s been longing for someone to just have her back, no questions asked, and somehow that’s exactly what he did. Just having someone she trusts as much as Rafael watching out for her and Noah, it means everything.

She reaches out and shakes him gently. “Rafa.”

He blinks awake, focuses on her, then winces. “I fell asleep.”

She grins. “You sure did.”

“Oh God,” he says, sitting up and putting his face in his hands. “Ohh, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s really ok,” she laughs.

He shakes his head, groaning. Then he looks at her. “Did you sleep ok?”

She considers. “Really well. Which given the circumstances is pretty amazing.” They both look down at Noah, still unconscious. “I don’t know how you did it, but …”

“I didn’t do anything.”

She looks at him. “Yeah, you did.”

He smiles slightly, nods his grudging acceptance of her thanks. Yawns again. “I’ll get out of your hair,” he says, rubbing his face. She notices the stubble on his chin, then isn’t sure why she’s noticed.

“Why don’t you stay for breakfast?”

 

He sits on the stool at the counter, feeling intrusive, but smiling at the zeal with which Noah attacks his breakfast. Olivia hands him some toast.

“Are you sure you don’t want eggs? There’s plenty.”

He groans a little, shakes his head. “Please don’t. I can’t eat anything before coffee.”

“But breakfast is important!” says Noah earnestly, a mouthful of the same.

Rafael laughs in spite of himself. “You’re right, it is. Especially for growing boys.”

“Grown up boys, too,” says Olivia, passing him a cup of coffee.

He shoots her a look, but as he takes the coffee he mutters, “Bless you,” and takes a gulp.

“You should have some fruit,” says Noah, apparently quite invested in morning nutrition. He rummages in the fruit bowl, hands Rafael an apple. “Here.”

Again, he can’t help smiling. “Okay,” he concedes, and takes a bite. “Happy?”

“Yep!”

Rafael looks at Olivia, who is grinning at them both. She shrugs.

“So what are you two going to do today?”

“We haven’t decided yet,” says Olivia. “Maybe the park?”

Noah thinks, “Or the zoo?”

“Actually, the zoo is having an open day,” says Rafael casually. “Celebrating their two new pandas.”

Noah and Olivia look at him in surprise. Noah turns an entreating face to his mother. She shrugs at him. “Looks like we’re going to the zoo.” Noah cheers and jumps down off his chair. “Bowl!” He comes back, takes his bowl and puts it in the sink, then jumps off to his room. Olivia watches Rafael suspiciously. “How would you know the zoo is having an open day?”

He shrugs. “Read about it.” She narrows her eyes and he rolls his own. “I may have googled it.”

She stares. He’s researched kids’ activities for her. He meets her eye and gives her a look – _don’t make a big deal out of it_. She holds up her hands in surrender, but when she takes their plates to the sink she’s smiling.

“I could come with you, if you want,” he says suddenly. Surprised, she turns to find him looking at her uncertainly. “Keep an eye on things while you spend time with Noah.”

He looks almost as surprised as she is that he's asked. And yet there is something so very appealing about knowing there is a second pair of eyes watching, not having to worry about anything but being with Noah. Still …

“I couldn’t ask you to do that …”

He shrugs. “You’re not. I’m offering.”

She’s about to decline when she remembers how good it felt last night to just let some of the responsibility go. “Don’t you have to work?”

He grins, knows he’s got her now. “It’s Saturday.” She raises an eyebrow, and he concedes. “Ok, yes, but I can take a day off.”

“Well that I’ve gotta see,” she says, smiling too. Finally she says, “Ok then. That would be great.”

 

Rafael goes home to change, meets them at the door to the building a few hours later. They walk to the zoo while Noah keeps him up to date on all the things that happened since he saw him last. Every now and then Rafael asks him a question in Spanish, and is effusive with praise when Noah answers in kind. Olivia laughs at the two of them, feeling herself relax, even amid the bursts of tension when a stranger passes too closely, or a car speeds past. By the time they’re at the zoo, though, she’s happy just swinging arms with her son, answering his questions.

As they wander through the zoo Rafael carries Noah’s backpack, guides them to the exhibits, and generally keeps an eye out as Olivia just plays with her son. The longer they spend, the more she starts to trust Rafael with Noah. At the same time, Noah seems keen to pull his new friend into the activities, pointing things out, asking questions, and every now and then tugging his hand to show him something. By the time they’ve exhausted the zoo’s offerings they’ve acquired a few pieces of paraphrenalia that Olivia couldn’t say no to, and Rafael carries this as they head back through the park. On the way Noah declares himself too tired to walk, and asks Rafael to carry him. Olivia protests, but Rafael can’t say no either, and heaves him up to lug him the rest of the way through the park. By the time they stumble through the door of the apartment, it’s approaching dinner time, and Noah has renewed energy.

“Stay for dinner?” Olivia asks as the two of them sit at the counter while Noah occupies himself in his room.

He’s about to decline automatically, but sees her entreating expression and changes his mind. “Okay,” he says, and when she looks pleased he smiles. “What can I do to help?”

“Nothing,” she says, opening cupboards. “Just talk to me.”

They chat about idle things, the day’s excursion, work, and when they sit down to eat there is a lively discussion about everyone’s favourite animal (Noah likes the pandas; Olivia likes the elephants; Rafael likes the honey badgers – Olivia hides a smile). After dinner Rafael clears up while Olivia and Noah watch TV together, cuddled up on the couch, her trying not to hold him too tightly. She notices him yawning, though, and he doesn’t even protest when she suggests an early night. When all necessary preparations are finished, though, Noah asks Rafael to read to him again. Rafael looks up at Olivia.

“You don’t have to,” she says, but is surprised to find herself hoping he’ll stay a little longer.

“Okay,” he replies readily to Noah. “Go choose a book.” The boy scurries off to do just that.

Alone in the living room, the two adults look at each other. “I’ve got him if you want to take a shower,” Rafael offers. It’s a strange situation, simply because it feels so natural. The small intimacies of domestic life seem to come relatively easily. The awkwardness is coming from somewhere else. He wants to be here with the two of them, make sure they’re all right. And yet he can’t help thinking about what this might look like.

She, too, feels guilty for wanting him to stay, for wanting a repeat of that feeling of security he provided last night. Is it fair to ask so much of someone? _Why not?_ Another part of her says. _That’s what friends do – they lean on each other._ And she and Rafa are good friends, dear friends even.

“Liv,” he begins in an attempt to convince her, but before he can finish she steps forward and hugs him tightly. He returns the hug in kind, and they stay like that for a long, quiet moment, parting only when Noah runs back into the room with his chosen book. Olivia slips off to the bathroom while Rafael and Noah get settled on the bed.

At one point, though, Noah interrupts the reading to ask, “Is Grandma Sheila sick?”

Rafael freezes. “What makes you say that?”

“Mommy says she’s a good person, but she did a bad thing. I heard Aunty Amanda say she’s not well. Does she have a cold?”

Rafael’s heart squeezes – this little boy and his capacity for love. “Not exactly, but you know, she’s going somewhere that people will help her get better.”

Noah takes this in. “Can we visit her?”

Now he’s out of his depth. “Probably not for a while. She’s going to need a lot of rest, I think.”

“But maybe someday.”

“Maybe.” He watches Noah trace the picture in the story book with his finger. “You and your mom are going to have a lot of time together, though.”

Noah looks up at him, his tired eyes lighting up. “I know – she says she’s not even going to work for three whole weeks!”

“Three whole weeks? You’ll have to think up a lot of things for the two of you to do together, then.”

Noah nods. Then, adds, “And you too?”

Rafael is spared answering when Olivia comes in. “What are you doing still awake?” She playfully lunges at Noah and tickles him as he snuggles under the quilt, giggling. Rafael smiles, watching her tuck him in. “Goodnight, sweet boy.”

But Noah turns to Rafael and motions that he wants to whisper something. Rafael leans down, listens, and whispers something back. Olivia looks bemused, but then Noah turns to give her a hug and says, “Te amo, mommy.”

Olivia’s eyes tear up almost instantly, she looks at Rafael over Noah’s shoulder. He’s smiling, shakes his head as if to say, “That was all him.” Olivia squeezes her eyes shut and whispers, “Te amo, Noah.” She gives him one last hug, for a little longer than usual, and tucks him back in. He settles down comfortably, half-asleep already, then stretches out one hand to touch Rafael on the arm, and murmurs, “Te amo, Rafa.”

It’s his turn to look up in surprise at Olivia, who can’t answer, so she just lifts one hand to her heart. They watch Noah for a bit, until his breathing deepens and evens out.

“Big day,” she says softly. The thing is, she doesn’t want him to leave just yet, but can’t think of an excuse to ask him to stay.

“Big day,” he repeats. Their gazes collide for a moment. She opens her mouth, wanting to thank him, but can’t find the words, so instead she just smiles. He smiles back. “Want me to wait until you fall asleep?”

She’s so grateful that her eyes slip shut and she feels her whole body release its tension. “Would you mind?” He shakes his head and she lets out a deep sigh. “I promise I won’t make a habit of this,” she says. He just smiles, and she shifts so that she’s laying beside her son, hand resting lightly on his little chest. “I used to sleep like this when he was younger,” she murmurs. “He had so many respiratory issues I thought if I could feel him breathing I’d know if something was wrong.”

“He’s a strong kid. Like his mom.”

She looks up at him, meets his eyes and finally says, “Thank you, Rafa. For everything.”

“You’re welcome,” he says softly. They look at each other for a moment, and she feels a sad sort of certainty that this bubble of intimacy can’t last, that soon they’ll have to live their real lives again. She wants to stretch it out longer, but that’s the trouble with the warm, safe world they’ve created – her eyes are already drooping shut, and she feels sleep creeping up on her. Before it does, though, he starts to sing softly.

He watches her smile in her half-sleep, glad that he’s done one last thing for her. Because he, too, knows that he can’t stay the night again – it would stretch that unspoken rule that hovers between them too far. For now, though, he’s going to make it last, and reaches out to stroke her hair as he sings her to sleep.

When she wakes in the morning he is gone, and a brief but unexpected wave of grief washes over her. She makes sure she’s not crying when Noah wakes up.

**Author's Note:**

> That conversation in the doorway in "Gone Baby Gone" was one of my favourites, so it's unsurprising that I wanted to keep it going. In fact, this fic was inspired by a moment in "Intimate" by In Hiding. It hopped into my head and wouldn't leave until I'd written it all out. I really hope it's ok that I'm posting this, and that I haven't copied anything to closely, it wasn't intended. It's not too polished, maybe, but I'm hoping it reads well enough.
> 
> Thanks to everyone who has commented on my fics so far! I appreciate it ever so much!


End file.
